- Charles DuBois
(First published in May 2011)
While this business has been a lifetime in the making, major developments began 7 years ago. I had reached a serious dead-end and felt compelled to re-evaluate my life, perform a stock-taking, as nearly everyone does at a certain age. But this became more than just a mid-life crisis. I came to the horrible realization that I had never yet acquired the basic tools to truly live; to be a good person, and love the people in my life who meant the most to me.
This was a terrible thing to face. But the evidence was pretty overwhelming. And I was absolutely lost, not knowing the reasons, much less remedy. All I really knew was that life could not continue as it had for the last 47 years. Changes had to be made or ... there would simply be no life left to live. None at all. With my back up against the wall, I had little choice but to reach out, and embrace ... something else. Something better. Not as some intellectual choice or exercise, but an act of survival.
With these stakes, one sets aside certain treasured things. Pride, for one, because you clearly don't have any answers. Your self-perception, because you no longer recognize yourself. And most of all, you sacrifice that little story in your head, written long ago, dictating what a Happy Life and a Normal Life must be. It all gets scrapped. You live in a No Man's Land for awhile, a very empty, frightening place. Disorienting. But also sometimes a little exhilarating, and maybe even a little hopeful, because at least you have bought yourself some time. There, you might stand a chance.
Once I put myself out there, and took my first steps, things happened. Very grudgingly, I went for some counseling. Made some changes in my lifestyle. Separated from my wife, who had endured more than her share of grief. Undertook improvements in how to feed and exercise my body, including regular yoga classes. Experimented with various types of non-traditional healing like acupuncture, myofascial release, and cranio-sacral therapy, most of it quite helpful. And believe it or not ... I even learned to play the guitar, if poorly. Then there were four years of intense counseling somewhere else... and eventually certain physical changes, under a doctor's care, which are still in progress.
Along the way, I have dealt with painful, personal memories, and confronted subjects still difficult to fully grasp. But these efforts gradually laid the foundation for a new way of living, in peace, and love, and with gratitude for this life. Over time, I uncovered a better person in the wreckage of the old one.
And much to my surprise, this person was female.
* * * * *
The proper label, I learned, is transgender woman. Formerly male, then female. Both In spirit, and to some degree in body. Most of all, female in identity, how I think of myself, and best present myself to the world.
But why such a radical change? Honestly, I wish I could tell you, but nobody really knows. Not even medical science has unlocked the psychological or physical mysteries of being transgender. But after many years spent as a male, and a few more now as a female, one thing is for certain. I make a far better human being as a woman than I ever did as a man.
And for that alone, this difficult journey has been well worth it.
* * * * *
Of course, there are challenges involved. Some will be discussed here in future posts, but one bears mentioning now. Because this kind of re-birth also involves a kind of passing. In my appearance, manner and other outward things, I'm nearly unrecognizable. And in many inward qualities, my attitudes, the way I think and feel about many matters, well ... let's face it, David seems to have rather left the building. This is not easy to process, especially for people who've known me a long time. There's a sense of loss which can make my new identity even harder to accept.
And that feeling is totally natural, and okay. Heck, I've traveled a long road to get here, and sometimes hardly grasp it myself. Its so easy to forget that all my memories, and my core values, certainly my passions for knowledge and the arts and all the best things ... these remain solid and unchanged. It took me awhile to realize this myself. I can't tell you how many days, weeks, months I mourned my old self. And wondered, was this really the path for me? Was it too late to just turn back?
But over time, the proof was in the living. Each day, I began to feel more content. Lighter. Better able to share my thoughts and emotions. Feeling far more in touch with the spiritual aspects of my existence and the spirit of others. After years of struggle, it was clear that I was actually becoming even more myself, and therefore happier to be who I was. Much happier. And so I've been told, even a nicer person to be around.
For these reasons, I sincerely hope you'll give consideration to this old friend with the new name; that you'll stick around awhile and get re-acquainted. Doing that, maybe you'll still recognize what you liked before, and perhaps, even find value in what's new.
In short, I hope you will continue to be my friend.
And I want to help.
* * * * *
Consider this journal as my ongoing gift to you and everyone I know out there, a way to share more about this new life and especially its many transitions -- spiritual, physical, social as well as personal. Along the way, let me answer your questions and, especially if you're having difficulty with this subject, encourage you to return, and simply keep reading.
Other pages are provided as reference guides to feel more at ease in my world. Photos and Video introduce my new appearance, my voice ... all those changes that take a little time to get used to. My Trans 101 page clarifies the often confusing "trans-jargon" out there, and offers tips for relating to transgender people, when common sense alone doesn't seem quite enough.
Again, thank you so much. I appreciate your taking the time to learn about my journey. And thanks for letting me introduce Delia Marie Kropp, the former David Murray Kropp, and my new legal identity as of June 21, 2011.
Delia. Took awhile to figure that one. Nice name, I think. But my friends ... they can just call me Dee.
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| Chicago, Summer 2011 |
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