That was the Year That Was ... Incredible

Dear friends,

First of all, my apologies for such a long blogging lapse. The fact is, I've just felt too happy living my life to pause and document it. Even at its craziest, I've been enjoying the ride too much to step off and comment about the view.

But now an incredible year is coming to an end. And a profusion of "Best Of" and "Top 10" lists all testify to our modern culture's drive to summarize, draw conclusions, and even proselytize a bit when the calendar flips. It feels like I too must step up to the microphone, and say something about 2011. So here it is.



Wow.

That's it, really. Just "wow".

Some Big Stuff

Even as it unfolded, it felt like 2011 would go down as one of the biggest and maybe even best years of my life.

Now, that in itself is a pretty unusual thing, isn't it? Significance is usually bestowed later, in retrospect, following long and largely unconscious summings up of various pluses and minuses. But not this time. Not this year.

Why was that? Well of course, there were those big events you know about, ones that are instantly felt as major life-changers. Most of these were the outcome of 7 years' work in transitioning genders. Such as legally changing my name in May, and then obtaining my first female drivers license. The many conversations known collectively as "Coming Out", to family, and you my friends, some in person and many more online and through emails. Then marching in the Gay Pride parade for the first time. And throughout all these ... having my picture taken, as my real self, and taken frequently, instead of just hiding behind the camera photographing others.

Additionally, there have been other "big things" you don't know about. These were seldom exhilarating triumphs, or gratifying moments in the spotlight, but big challenges involving a fair amount of hard work, that in time paid some real rewards. Essential, behind the scenes stuff.

Winter and early spring of 2011 found me in intensive treatments related to a past trauma. Often these sessions were extremely unpleasant. And while I'm not ready to discuss the problem, or what the treatments entailed, I am pleased to come out the other side, and made some progress. Now the mind and body are fighting each other less, and I'm more respectful of my needs, my limits, and what's necessary to keep me healthy.

Another biggie: for the first time since our meeting 1991, I was separated from my former partner and best friend. In August her blossoming career took her to Louisville and then Sarasota for five long months, with only a brief return in the middle. Certainly all the phone conversations, emails and Facebook chats helped, as did short reunion visits to both cities. But you just don't realize how important someone is until they're no longer there on "those days", when its pretty hard to keep some perspective, and when a sympathetic heart is so helpful to restoring balance, and getting back on the beam. So in her absence, I learned to be my own best pal, and to not just cope but also thrive when those bad days come around. Its been a rough apprenticeship. But I've made it through, and mostly done pretty well I think.

The Little Things

But honestly, when asked to explain why 2011 has been such a great year, I have to confess its also been a lot about the small everyday experiences most of us take for granted. Going out in public every day dressed attractively. Meeting new people with more openness, and being better able to share my feelings. Attending fun events like the circus, and music concerts, sometimes even by myself, that I'd have shied away from before.

Putting myself out there, I think they call it.

This alone has led to interesting stories, fodder for many blog posts to come. Mostly these adventures have gone very well. I find that people respond to my enthusiasm, and confidence, and especially my willingness to show some feeling and compassion. As strange as I must seem to many people, its hard to judge someone who doesn't judge you, but rather extends a hand, or maybe just cheers you up.

And for all its downsides, being female can also be very amusing. For example, I've discovered that chivalry is not totally dead. This one year alone, I've had more doors opened for me, and given more "you go first" opportunities at four-way stops, than my entire life before. Especially when the blonde locks are down and let to flow. I've learned to accept such courtesies with the same grace they are offered. Its good to be reminded that people like doing good things for others ... even if prompted by less than noble things like physical attractiveness.

And some of the best everyday kind of things are inside me. Feeling good to simply be myself. Being more positive. And taking less for granted about the good things in life and remembering to celebrate them. Even days when I "accomplish" very little, meet none of my deadlines, and cross nothing off the gotta-do list I can still feel tremendous. So often, I've discovered that just the sensation of being fully and truly alive becomes an acceptable end in itself. And its own reward.

Conclusions?

I don't know what lessons this past year might hold for anyone else. Be authentic, be true to ones self? Keep going, when you just want to quit? However true, these all sound like bad bumper-sticker slogans. Titles of '70s pop tunes. They don't begin to capture what I've been through.

In fact I wonder, can we ever truly learn from other people's mistakes and discoveries? I'm not sure its possible. One of my biggest discoveries is that you must find out for yourself how to live. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody can tell you, starting out as a young person, that Life is all about the process of living. Not about the prizes along the way, or the accolades at the end. And you have to learn as you go, as what worked yesterday might not work today. Life is full of change, and learning, and re-learning. It defies most rules and truisms.

But one thing I can say for sure. I couldn't have done this alone, and certainly not without your encouragement.

Your support and acceptance has been key in my success. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for helping make this year so remarkable. And quite often, a true joy.

Indeed 2011 has been the start of a whole new life. And even if 2012 isn't chock full of more "Big Life-Changers", it will be spent living a life already changed so dramatically for the better.

Thank you for being part of that.

I wish you love.

Yours,
Delia
(and yes, in 2012 ... you may still call me Dee)