Three Faces of Gender

Genitals.  Brain wiring.  Society.

Which of these make you a man, or a woman?



For me this riddle represents more than a fascinating debate, its an ongoing sidebar in the story of my life. At least in the respect that others usually need some explanation, a justification, for my being transsexual.  Long as they can "explain" it -- in terms that make sense -- its okay.  This is urge to explain in order to accept is absolutely normal, and I understand its necessity.  So let me try and help.

The Body

Your physical appearance, and especially what lies between your legs has supposedly been the criteria for gender since we crawled out of the caves.  Surely, in primitive cultures, the equipment used to procreate, to forge new links in the ongoing chain of life, is critical to survival.  When life expectancy is short, suffering is the norm, and death a frequent visitor then gender roles need to be very simple, to get on with making those babies early and often.

That's clearly not the world we live in.  Nonetheless, some believe our genitals are still the only criteria for defining gender, and the rest is irrelevant.  Its tempting to dismiss this viewpoint as too narrow, and unaccepting, but let's face it: deep down inside, the parts do matter.  If you were walking around naked in a locker room, when some stranger suddenly undressed and revealed different genitals from yours ... how would you react?

I'm now reading the novel "Middlesex", a Pulitzer-Prize winning story about a hermaphrodite struggling to define himself/herself, having both male and female genitalia.  In a nice audio interview with the author  he describes how all female behavior, clothing, and sexual identity is almost overnight reversed as the young person's male parts become prominent, and Callie sacrifices nearly everything in order to live as Cal.  And you understand why.  Sometimes, biology rules.

But now we're starting to realize that genitals really only define one's sex.  That gender -- or as we now say, our gender identity -- is based something else.  Something more intangible, and complicated.

Wired for Gender

Enter explanation #2, the "brain difference" rationale. For nearly two decades now, researchers have uncovered anatomical differences between male and female brains. Further studies prove that these differing structures also yield different functionality, summarized precisely here.  Basically the research states that women: 

- use both sides of their brains for many tasks, and especially language.

- have a more developed limbic system and are therefore more adept in emotional matters including nurturing, interpersonal connectedness, and ability to share feelings;

- are supposedly inferior to men in judging spatial relationships, sense of direction, and performing certain types of deductive reasoning.

You've heard the old story, that men are less likely to get lost, but when they are, the woman riding along will be quicker to admit it, and much better at asking for help.  Or that women are the nurturer-gatherers, men the hunters; and how women live in a world of feelings whereas men flee from them whenever possible.

Well it doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize a major flaw with the gender-is-brain-differences definition.  Namely, all the exceptions.  There are many nurturing, expressive and intuitive men --- and lots of cold-eyed clear-headed women who are emotionally inexpressive.  People vary.  A lot. If our brains were hard-wired for gender specific traits, wouldn't the differences be more fixed and distinct?

Social Learning

Which brings us to number three.  NPR recently published an online article taking on the "brain" explanation as inadequate.  While acknowledging that differences in brain morphology and function do exist between genders, the author stresses that above all we are social animals.  Indeed, our enormous brain power is largely the result of coping with other complicated cave-dwellers. Like nearly everything else, we learn our gender identities after we are born, not like some passport indelibly stamped in the womb.

This makes some sense.  After all, societal norms determine our status, and courtship rituals, and even our overall self-image and self-esteem.  Similarly, gender identity is forged by a million social cues from your parents, friends, teachers, strangers, and lovers.  Instructions on how to sit, how to walk, and speak; who initiates sex; who brings home the bacon and a zillion other things helping to shape what role you will serve as a sexually active adult.

Anyone who's been in a classroom, listened to a lecture, then watched students discuss the lesson as if they'd just sat in entirely different classrooms, taught by different teachers ... and most of us have had this experience ... shouldn't be surprised that learning one's gender role can also be a highly variable, non-standardized process.  A gender identification differing from one's genitals is not "unnatural" but indeed almost inevitable, and extremely human, since some of us will have unique social experiences, and others of us simply process the cues differently, resulting in different conclusions about what defines a boy or a girl.

Where is the Answer?

Well, I'm transsexual.  So what happened to me about 7 years ago?  When realizing that I was female, did I look at my body, the workings of my mind, or to a lifetime of social cues?

Honestly, I'd have to say ... all three.  And none of them.

Everyone from my doctor to my four ex-wives will agree that I've got all the requisite boy parts ... but my overall build is very slight, my hands and feet small, a body built for grace more than brute strength.  And while I am a very rational person, my emotions are of greater value to me as I find myself now assessing the world more according to how I feel, and in particular, recognizing my need to love others.  And socially, well, I've always been more comfortable around women, better able to communicate with them, not to mention being excluded or uninterested in most masculine sports, hobbies, etc.

But believe me, I didn't complete an analysis chart, list qualities under male/female column headings, nor take a vote among my peers.  Nothing like this blog post was ever written out, or used as the foundation for my life-changing decision.  Truthfully, the decision came from my heart. The only part of me capable of weighing all these diverse, important, factors and arriving at such an incredible, important conclusion.

And like many matters of the heart, the message was not clear at first.  Even once it was, a lifetime of male skepticism insisted on testing the assertion, turning the idea upside down and giving it a good shake, even denying its validity as a mere irrational whim.  Plus, I had the feelings of others to consider: how would my spouse and parents cope with this news?  Would I have any friends left?  Was it worth it to be my true self if nobody wanted to be around me?

But it was my heart's misery that put the subject strongly front and center to begin with.  And eventually the heart's happiness that declared a winner.  Now, when I see another transgendered person, particularly one committed to living full time in the gender they weren't born into, I assume they went through the same difficult, complex process, and made this huge change not because it was smart, but because they had to.

I've finally learned that the heart -- one's intuition, one's overall feeling and grasp of the world -- is the most powerful force.  Especially when it meditates on who you are, and what your role in life shall be. For the heart is a chorus of many voices inside: the body and rational thought and emotions and learning. Indeed, everything that makes up a person.  And when this singular sound speaks loudly and clearly, one ignores it only at their peril.  I did so, for too many years.

And I appreciate what a huge difference it makes, to finally listen.

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